Tell me all your thoughts on God...

Well, I know I don't always write about it, but I think about religion often. I think about my own faith, Catholicism, and the faith of my mother,. Anglicanism. I read about Hinduism and Buddism and I sing Shivatic chants in my car on the way to work.

As an archaeologist, I researched the people who were thought to be the enemies of the old testament peoples. The Mesopotamians, some of whom worshiped that golden calf in the bible.

But while I was answering phones and listening to classical music at the reception desk the other day, I began to wonder why it's so much easier for me to do research than it is to go to mass. There are a thousand small reasons, but I think the real reason is that I don't have the faith I used to.

As a child, I had perfect faith, but I remember, as a teenager when things began to get more fuzzy. My fatih has never fully recovered and I'm deeply concerned that it never will. But I'm abivalent about whether or not that is good.

As a child, I believed that when I died, I would go up to heavan and sit on a cloud with all of the other angels. I thought that the astronauts did not see the angels because they were still alive, so they weren't meant to. But as an adult I begin to beleive that parts of the bible are metaphorical.

As a child, the fact that the universe and earth and all the animals on it were created completely in seven days didn't throw me at all. This despite the fact that I lived near one of the largest Paleontological museums in the world. As an adult I accepted that the seven days creation must be a metaphor.

But letting in metaphors creates all sorts of problems for faith. I can see why some of the born-again groups don't allow it. It makes things complicated. If the seven days creation was a metaphor, then maybe heavan is a metaphor? What if the reserection was a metaphor? These are dangerous, dangerous thoughts. I know it. I appologize if reading them shakes your own faith. I am only hoping for some catharsis in the release.

But not every single act in the bible can be a metaphor. There are things stated expressly that must not be metaphorical. These are things I am looking for. These are the reasons why it is so interesting to me to study the day to day life of people in that period. I want to believe with my mind the things my heart tries to hold.

And there is one more thing...one more weakness...there are tenants of Catholicism that I have real trouble with. The condemnation of homosexuals is one such tenant. Also, I have mixed feelings on the birth control ban. It seems that starving families might be permitted to make that option themselves. And issues like this seem to be decided more by the Church than by the bible so it becomes a situation where I question the Church. This is also a very dangerous path to take. It is not possible in one lifetime for me to duplicate the research and spiritual depth the Church has, so to put myself above the Church shakes my faith to its very foundation.

I haven't been to confession in awhile...I'm afraid that we do it really casually back home that somehow I'll do it wrong...but I think it might be time to go again. I'm just not sure how to confess these doubts. So. Tell me all your thoughts on God...or at least point me to your blog!